Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The feeling of being lost is lonely. You're just all alone with these thoughts. These thoughts that attack like mosquitoes on a hot summer Georgia night. They have tiny mouths to bite us with, but their mark is deep. It swells. It turns your skin rough with bright red patches from irritation. It itches to no end. This bite refuses to let you forget it. You can try to cover it up with medicine, but that itch is ruthless. We know that itching it only make it worse, but wouldn't ya know the majority of us, especially me, are gonna pick at it anyway. Why ? because I find myself scared, bored, or nervous at something and itch away at it. It is almost suddenly that it starts to bleed and bust open because you don't even realize you're doing it when it happens. It then scabs back over, usually to only last about an hour until my hand goes messing with it again. The amount of mosquito bites on my legs is impossible to count. These bites remind me of my journey the past few months. These bites are these thoughts that keep me from living a fulfilled life. These bites are the lies I chose to believe about myself. These bites are the pestering bitterness of mistakes.

Because of my sins, I decided that Jesus didn't love me. I decided that I wasn't good enough to teach kids about Jesus because Jesus didn't want me. I decided that I had already messed up and disappointed enough people that I couldn't tell somebody about their father in heaven. I decided that I wasn't loved, wanted, and I chose anger and bitterness. I chose to believe that I could never talk to a young girl who had been sold and bought into the world of sex trafficking that she was beautiful because I myself believed I wasn't. How could I tell someone something I couldn't even make myself believe? I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel needed. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel special or unique. I felt like just another piece of this broken world. I felt forgotten. I decided that my writing on a paper meant nothing and that I might as well just give up. I decided that a relationship couldn't work because I was incapable of loving. So I stopped.

I dropped God's plan for my life. I developed a lust and infatuation of people instead of a real love. I didn't care about my life or where it was going. I stopped like a sports car going 90 to nothing. Suddenly I just let the scars be there. I felt I couldn't even pick them anymore. People kept leaving my life, so I just cut everyone out before they could leave me. This included God. I was angry with him for "allowing" me to feel this hurt. I thought I was free ? I thought I got happiness? I stopped listening to worship music. I stopped journaling. I prayed some, but it was half hearted. I felt nothing so it quickly diminished. It hurt. I ran from God, full on sprinted. I lost love. I lost life. I lost joy. I lost hope. I lost people. I lost faith. Everyday was endless. It dragged on. I found myself asleep to get away from the emptiness I felt which literally felt like I was eating myself just to provide me with some willingness to keep going. I was just a 5'3 girl who was caving into her own selfish flesh. The walls I had built in such little time had gotten so tall. I questioned life. I questioned if God really was here with me. I questioned my experiences and my faith.

Last week, I was lounging in my beach chair with the water flooding my feet. I decided to pray. I needed something. I was pushing everyone away. I felt the hurt I kept leaving due to my own hurt. I asked God to please show me that he is here with me. I needed to just know that he hears me crying out. About ten minutes later, three girls came up to me randomly. They asked If they could ask me some questions so I was just like okay whatever I'll be nice. So they asked me what "wages" meant? "earnings" What does "sin" mean ? " things you shouldn't do" What does "death" mean ( two types)? " physical is dead, and spiritual is emptiness and nothing" What does "gift" mean? "something given to you" What is "eternal life"? "heaven" Lastly, what does "Jesus" mean to you? "savior" - isn't that what everybody says? He died on the cross for us, yes, but he is SO much more I quickly realized. She then made a chart separating man from God with a cross( obviously Jesus) in between. Above the cross was an arrow saying " Transfer trust to God" Those four words was my answer. In that moment I realized that Jesus is a savior, he didn't just save us from our sins on a cross. He saved us from ourselves, from our own human flesh. He is love. He is life. He is joy. I remembered standing in the sanctuary three years ago crying from happiness as I rededicated my life to God. Why had I even been able to walk away from this ? The bites. The mosquito bites that were enemy created, but I allowed myself to fall into the habit of picking them. I fed them. Jesus takes these away, not a temporary fix of some itchbites gel. Jesus loves me. Jesus heals the scars. If you trust him, he is what feels that hole I felt. That hole that made me bitter. He is what intercedes and fills even the deepest hurts. He showed me that he is there. He has a plan for me and everyone. Walking the next day in a small boutique I happened to come across a little stand selling bracelets to support these beautiful kids who have been trafficked. God is here. God has plans bigger than my understanding. God is not to be understood is what I've learned. He is to be trusted. He is to be trusted above the circumstances. Faith moves mountains. Faith is what has me writing again. Faith in Jesus is what has given me my joy back. Faith in the bible is what allows me to know Jesus loves me and forgives me. Jesus finds the lost and makes them found. Take this world and Give me Jesus.

1 comment:

  1. Dang! I love you so much, girl! And I am so stinking proud of you! Remember this moment so that you are able to look back at this, so that you can remember when you're low again or when the enemy is steadily pushing against you. Because, he will...God is using you and the enemy can't stand that.
    Keep remembering and thanking God for His grace. He knows we're going to mess up and give in to temptation. He not only loves us through it, but when we let Him, He helps us up and guides us to the next step.
    Love you!