Monday, June 23, 2014

Big Stuf

I walked into last week with doubt. I walked into it with regret and insecurities that made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I walked into it feeling alone and abandoned in so many ways. I didn't understand why God hadn't stepped in to save the day yet. Had he forgotten about me ? Did he see that my life was falling apart? Where had my faith gone? I didn't feel good about my position in him or my life. I felt heavy in a sense, like I was carrying bags and bags of hurt along with me for the trip. I felt as if I didn't put them down, I was going to crash into a hole that was impossible to get out of. For goodness sakes, all I wanted was a put together family and to graduate to get an amazing job with a huge white house that I could watch my perfect kids run around with a husband who was straight out of the notebook. On the first night, Jon Acuff used the verse ," hallowed be your name, your kingdom come (Luke 6:9). This verse was an invitation to stop being so concerned and worried about why God wasn't stepping up in my story and to transfer my story for his . Kalyn, why are you not stepping up in God's story ? This struck me. It struck me because I immediately felt sorry. I immediately cried out " I am so sorry I have been running God." The truth is that I have turned my back on God's calling on my life because it wasn't the life I had planned as a 16 year old girl who stayed watching and reading these love novels and movies. It wasn't the life my parents would want for their little girl to be away from them in such a dangerous situation. It didn't include a pinterest house or an incredible salary-wise job. It honestly scared the daylights out of me. For the past few months, I had ignored it. I decided that I couldn't see it and not ignite my passion so I literally cut it out. I didn't get on facebook so I couldn't see the news. I scrolled as fast as I could through twitter when I saw the organizations. Whenever I thought about it, I'd throw on some kind of music to drown it out. I had these thoughts of , " Kalyn you'll never make it." I had made mistakes and let myself plus countless others down. I didn't feel called. I didn't feel qualified. I didn't wanna fail honestly. Us as teenagers never want to fail, plus to fail in God's story is just devasting to even think about. In Exodus 3, Moses is called, but he is scared and worried about what the people will say as they see him doing God's works. I feel like Moses when he says , " who am I?" In that three worded statement is the lies I've built up in my life. It is the enemy in everyway telling me that I just can't do it because God doesn't want somebody like me. God's response is , " I am has sent you." yes! yes in that statement I realized I AM CALLED. I AM QUALIFIED. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM SMART. I AM SPECIAL. I AM UNIQUE. so many of us teenagers feel alone because we just don't seem to fit in. This week I learned that " In the valleys, I will not be shaken because my faith is in God's identity not my circumstance." In the book I bought at camp, Let Hope In, Pete Wilson points out that in so many verses (Psalms 76:3, Matthew 19:26, Acts 13:29-30) that "BUT GOD" is used to change that circumstance. God wins, God overcomes the world. He is greater and bigger and stronger than anything the enemy could ever put in my life. I want to be used. Everything in me said ," God please use me in your story, I give up my selfish desires and dreams for your plan which is so much greater than mine ever could be." Well that night, our youth sat outside under the patio and stood up to share these incredible testimonies as to just how God has moved in their lives. It was powerful to see God move the way he did. Well I have always struggled with knowing if God really was talking to me or if I was just imagining this feeling of God urging me to do something. But, I felt this urge that if I didn't pray and talk to this girl in our group that I was giving up God's using of me. So I asked to take her down and sit in the sand. She immediately told me of how she didn't feel good enough and she felt abandoned. I knew that feeling. I knew it with every fiber of my being. That night God let me be used in his story. His story of restoration in a girl who needed to hear that God is a father. He is a father who's love never fails nor forsakes. She needed her identity to be switched to God's not a middle school girl's definition of good enough or beautiful. I saw these walls break as she decided that she was a daughter and that she would never lose God. The next day I looked over during worship and she had her hands high singing with everything she had. Thank you God, is all I could say. well wait for it, that morning after worship was when God hit me straight on my heart, again. The message entitled, " stories that shouldn't be." I felt that message. The evil I had ignored for so long that I knew is God's sole purpose for me rose up. My eyes filled with tears, my arms looked like I had been locked in a freezer." But God why can't you fix it ?",  Pastor Brooklyn asked ( I was thinking the exact same) . A God so powerful and so loving, why is this even happening? She told of the story of the bread and fish. " YOU give them something to eat." ( Mark 6:37). You. Jesus said you. He meant me and he means you. These disciples didn't have enough food for thousands of starving people, but they gave thanks for the opportunity given and they fed thousands upon thousands of people with that bread and fish. AND THE PEOPLE WERE SATISFIED.  You are the body of Christ ( I Corinthians 12:27). Jesus lives in us. His presence is with us at all times for he promises to never leave. Jesus is hope and love. We are called to be that reflection. To show this world that with Jesus all things are possible. That even though this story that he wants us to be in is as big as a mountain, and I am just a 5'3 teenage girl, that faith can move the mountains. Within the last 10 minutes of the message, she said the three words in which I had been running from, Human Sex Trafficking. That when she as 17 years old, which is my age, that she had known it was her calling. Now, how crazy is that? I'm telling you, I get this invite all the time. Any conference I have attended, it gets me. I feel God just saying GO. I feel the resistance of me as I try to say well I'll just donate some money and move on. That is not my calling though. When you feel something, you feel it. It is a scary feeling. but there are 2.7 million people are enslaved in this world as of this minute. More than any other point of slavery in the history of this world. It occurs everyday. Children, young beautiful children, being sold for $72. This bother me. It stirs my soul. If I can save one, by the grace of God, I will. God called me into this story of restoration, this story of hope, this story of love, this story of salvation, he called me to bring hope to this injustice in his great glory. That even though I am small, with him, I am qualified. This week I learned that. I feel that. These past few days since I have been home, I feel lighter. I'm not believing the lies. Like my good friend Sara said, " deny the world's definition on our lives." The world expects us to fail. Prove them wrong. I have had so many people, even some very close people, tell me that it isn't possible. The thing is that BUT WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. That is the truth. and I am so thankful for this trip and being able to grow with such an amazing group of young people and all of our loving leaders.

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