with no stop in sight. You're shaking your head right now saying 'yep, I am just about to lose my mind.' I know, the majority of us are just running around saying ' what's next, what else could there possibly be to do ?' These past few months I have felt as though everyday just about never ends, but everyday there is not enough time to do just everything I have to do. From having to come out of some relationships to coping with issues interloping every aspect of my life to beginning my senior year, I feel like I might have come to the edge of giving up about a trillion & 6 times. Starting college ,I have struggled in a math class in which is above my level. The feeling of being inadequate & the enemy's lie of ' Kalyn , you are too stupid to understand' have invaded my thoughts each time I sit down in that desk. Not having the comfort of my regular "crew" because they are an hour away all together at a different school has cut like a knife.Reading chapter after chapter just to be able to understand what is going on in class has became a hassle of time & energy to get done just to stay ahead of the instructor. Not to mention knowing I didn't have to go this route causes this overwhelming question to if I made a mistake. I could have easily stayed where I was comfortable, but I decided to go the other way. Doubt eats at me almost constantly. As students, especially seniors, we are so worried. We are worried about graduating. We are worried about our relationships, the ones we will keep & the many that are likely to fade away as soon as we get our diploma. We are worried about where to go. Should I stay close or go away? Should I go north or south, east or west, up , down, or all around? Should I even go?? What if I don't? Oh, but I need to , so then what type of school to attend.. university, community, private, or technical ? I have a big blue binder stressing me out under my feet hidden stacked full of college flyers I have collected & hoarded in the past four years because I have freaked out even thinking about that decision so I just shoved them under my desk. And how am I suppose to ask my parents to pay this obsurd amount of money due to fees that is required even with hope or what if I don't get this scholarship I need? Then you have this blank staring at you, waiting to be filled in on every college application:
Major: ____________what on earth am I going to major in??? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I have gone from meteorologist to psychologist to writer to social worker to nurse to counselor to just pure I literally have no idea how I am going to pull this off in a few months. I know where my heart is but I don't know how to major in human sex trafficking? Do I go in the medical field, education field, journalist field.. the options are limitless. I have had friends call me with the same desperate plead of 'help me figure out my life' because I just don't think I can do it. This all added on to the fact that SO many of us have baggage carried with us. From separation of parents to past relationships to failed classes or low gpa to helping with siblings to jobs to money to car problems to just everything it seems. Plus the realization of peer pressure, what will people think/ what are my peers doing? It just adds up to where we have this list of things, lists of decisions, lists of past things we simply did not have time to do. All this anxiety leads to me being a ticking time bomb. Hard to believe right ;) I just out of nowhere am in this terrible mood. I don't want anyone to talk to me or even look at me. I snap if someone asks me a question or engages in any kind of interactive conversation. And all I want to do is sleep so ya know, I don't have a freak attack on someone. Man, I just have a problem. I was thinking tonight about why I have been acting the way I have been.. & it hit me. I am so focused on the future, I am not focused on now. I found myself today thanking God I get to move out next fall just because ya know, I am a teenager & that's the kind of crazy stuff we say. But, I have absolutely no idea if I will actually move next fall. Sure, I want to wisk off to school & have my college experience, but what can I do right now to make this life less overwhelming? The answer is, I seek God. I sat tonight & looked for God on my list of things I had to do this week. Yes, I journal & I do a devo, but really I had to be real with myself. Was he the one I am seeking to make my decision about where to go to school? What to major in? No, I was taking a quiz online designed to just tell me my future. It is frankly so dumb of me to sit around complaining about all these decisions about my future when in the end, my future is his. My life is to glorify him,the one who I know holds my life in his hands, not my successes or skills. My hands, mind, voice, heart, absolutely everything are made to sculpt his kingdom on earth. I pray he will be a lamp to my feet daily, but why am I making it so difficult for me to see the light? I see this constantly on twitter ( I am so guilty) , " uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have so much to do" " uhhhhhhhhh stupid blah blah blah" " uhhh I am so tired of trying" ... Why do we do this to ourselves? why do we choose to pile things on instead of giving to God what is rightfully his ? Jesus is the one who will supply you true peace right this second. He has a plan for then, but he also has a plan for now. You are called as a child of God to spread his light. A serious attitude problem is not going to lead people to Christ. A complaining, anxious spirit will distort your light that you are so capable of spreading to people like you, who need a savior who gives hope & peace to his sons & daughters. This is my challenge for myself ( yes, mom you can call me out this week) & you is when you feel like you are about to just take your stress out on these innocent people around you who may drive you crazy or beat yourself up , give it to Jesus. Ask him to overwhelm you with his goodness & faithfulness. He is waiting to give you peace, hope, joy, love, & a future. He loves you right now in this moment. he wants you to be apart of his story, just ask for your part & he will guide you wherever he has called you to be . He knows your past present, & your future. Seek him with me as we battle this fight of not letting our stresses overwhelm our present.
love yall ;*